Avoid The Noid
by PapaKench
Summary: In the town of Elwood, Dominos mascot Noid goes on a rampage, slaughtering the innocent. A young Dominos employee takes it upon himself to put the threat down once and for all with the help of many friends versus many foes. Can they all avoid the Noid?


"You're watching the Bee Larry King Show. I'm your host, Bee Larry King. Coming live from the hive, we have been receiving numerous reports of kidnappings around the downtown area of Elwood, Iowa. A witness of one of these brutal attacks was kind enough to join us here today to describe the events that unfolded before their eyes and hopefully spread awareness of these treacherous attacks. Rosa Parks, you were going home from the Domino's you work at on the bus, and you were forcibly removed after refusing to give up your seat in the front?"

"That is correct sir."

"Alright. This act of hate must have been under the influence of infamous KKK member Peter Griffin, but that report is for another day. Tell us what happened after the bus sped away."

"Well, I was just gettin' my belongings together when I heard a shriek followed by what seemed to be the sound of a whip crackin'. I looked to my left towards an alleyway and just saw some silhouette draggin' a body into what looked like a massive pizza box. It was very surreal and all but what was strangest was how afterward the figure and the box seemed to just disappear. I mentioned he had these big ears did I?"

"Rosa Parks, we thank you for the, uh, information, but I think you're fucking insane. Go along, you have a bus to catch."

"But Peter Griff-"

"No buts, I'm also on a tight schedule. Go on now... Moving on to our phone calls, our first line is from a "Waluigi", who is currently calling from Detroit. What is it you would like to ask my friend?"

"I WANT TO TELL YOU A JOKE, WAH!"

"That is the joke, right?"

"MY NAME JEFF, WAH WAH! WALUIGI TIME! "

"I'm hanging up, thank you for wasting me and my viewers time."

"WAH!"

"Our next caller is Baldi, from Elwood, Iowa. I believe you are a teacher who went viral from that one academy? What is it you'll be asking, and please no jokes, our last caller was quite childish."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!" MY RULER , HE BROKE IT, AAAAHHHHH, AND PUT IT UP MY ASSSS!!! AAAAHHHHH!!! NO, SOMEBODY HELP!!! AAAAAHHH!!! AVOID THE NOID!!! AVOOOOIIDD THE NOOIIDDDD!!!"

"Baldi! What is the meaning of this! Two prank callers in a row! Baldi, you better have a good explanation for this. Baldi. Baldi?

* * *

The alarm blared, an annoying scene from his favorite show playing on repeat to waken him from his slumber. As Chuck Beef woke up to the cries of "HEY APPLE '' from his alarm, he took a moment to compose himself. Chuck was 23 years old, a graduate from The Sonic High, dummy thicc, and currently walking to the bathroom. Chuck was not a morning person. He would usually stay up late gaming with his friends Arthur Fleck and Puff Daddy, after working his shift at the Elwood Domino's Pizza. He turned on the lights, grunting at the sharp change of the room, and groggily began to brush his teeth. Glancing into the mirror, he took his features into notice.

Chuck wasn't new to having incredibly vivid and realistic dreams, but studying his face every morning helped ground him back into reality. He had somewhat long, red hair tied into a messy ponytail (like a degenerate), and a slight amount of stubble on his chin. His eyes were a misty hazel, bags beneath evident from his poor sleeping habits. Slipping into his uniform and skipping breakfast, he scurried to his car, starting up his 2001 Honda Civic.

The strange little green man who sold him the car for a dirt price many years back seemed as if he was only trying to get evidence off his hands. He spoke of a "righteous Jihad" he had performed with the car, and how the coat of red paint was fresh. His name was Yado or something, Chuck did not remember.

A left, a right, past the stop sign, and another left; Beef got to the expressway, speeding up his crusty vehicle. He slowed down at the bus stop, curious as to what all the yelling was on the inside. His questions were answered, as Rosa Parks was tossed out the back of the bus by King Julian, the driver, after she refused to give up her seat for the conductor from the polar express. Bee Larry King was right, the zamba music Julian would often play while driving had its lyrics replaced with KKK propaganda by none other than Peter Griffin, effectively mind-controlling the lemur into committing acts of hatred towards minorities. Chuck decided to give his mistreated colleague a ride to work. Chuck's car was now stopped, and he rolled down his window.

"Hey Parks, do you need a lift?"

"Yes I do, thank you very much Mr Beef. Those cracker Griffins keep getting me off that bus when I don't move to the back."

"I heard, it's awful what they've done to this town after the success of the new Family Guy seasons. They even killed off Brian after he came out as a liberal. It's funny though because his kind already rule the country; it's harder to come out as a gamer than gay nowadays. I would help the gamers, but, curiously, some people are still pushing for much older times."

Chuck's political opinions were quite peculiar as he was stuck in between the role of a liberal and a gamer. He wanted so badly to go commit heinous acts such as shooting up a furry-con, but alas, he was ginger; not only soulless but a minority. He didn't have the social status such as someone like Kanye West to be both a minority and a gamer, so his only concerns as of now were his finances, depleted by his crippling addiction to League of Legends loot boxes. He would support the liberals for now.

"A very good observation, but you better hurry up boy. We both know how Krabs is when employees arrive late," Rosa simply responded. Chuck groaned, stepping on the gas. Mr. Krabs was the cheapest Dominoes Manager he had ever seen, let alone the cheapest crustacean. The building where he, Rosa, and his colleagues, Chef Boyardee and Pearl, Mr. Krab's daughter, worked, was rundown enough to be considered Waluigi's house, who was currently driving a go-kart behind Beef that seemed to have been made by himself in a junkyard. How the homeless man on the Bee Larry King Show got from Detroit to Elwood, Chuck did not know or care, but now that he remembered the program, he had some questions to ask.

"Rosa?"

"Hmm?"

"On the Bee Larry King show last night, was everything you said true?"

"As crazy as it seems, yes it was, 100 percent true. That little man took some pedestrians with him, though they already looked dead. I would be careful around here Mr. Beef."

Chuck didn't want to believe everything the Dominoes cashier was saying, but true or not, he easily fell for things like this. He chose to worry more about Krabs and his unhealthily frugal practices. He parked right outside the Dominoes. The pizza place was in the midst of a small shopping complex, surrounded by stores and other restaurants that easily outshined Krabs visibly unpolished (and un-payed for) spot in the building. Crumbling paint, stolen posters, and a homeless Waluigi, who somehow got there before them, peeing on the side of the building made it the saddest Dominoes in all of Elwood.

Walking in without saying a word, Rosa got behind the cash register, and Chuck got to the back where he would box the pizzas. Chef Boyardee was already there, making something that only remotely looked like a pizza, passable by Krabs standards. Speaking of Krabs;

"ARG ARG ARG ARG! Your divorce gettin' in the way of work Mrs. Parks, because you're both late! And by 32 seconds! I see why he is disowning your pitiful ass!" Mr Krabs barked. "And as for you boyo, I plan on docking your pay by $800 this year! If this ever happens again I will be giving both your jobs to Waluigi!"

Krabs stormed back into his office to play solitaire most likely, just like a boomer. The only sound was the hum of the kitchen appliances and a faint Italian song coming from Boyardee's galaxy pods. Chuck felt like time itself had stopped until a customer finally came in.

It was the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein. He died in a warehouse not too far away (did not kill himself) and his soul chose to haunt the Dominoes for some reason. Mr. Krabs didn't care as long as he paid rent. Epstein would order the same pizza every day and Mr. Krabs didn't care as long as he paid for it. Epstein sat down and connected to the employee WiFi. Mr. Krabs didn't care as long as he paid for that too. There was no need for him to go up and order, just the usual; dairy-free pineapple pizza. Only a pedophile would eat something like that.

"Mr. Beef we need one dairy-free pineapple pizza for Jeffrey here at table two." Rosa felt the need to tell Chuck every morning, even though the same thing happened every morning. Chuck sighed and brought Jeffrey his breakfast.

"Your 'pedo pizza' sir."

"For the last time, I'm not a pedo!" Epstein exclaimed, looking back and forth between his waiter's face and crotch frantically. Epstein picked up a fork and knife, eating the pizza like a child predator, except Brazilian. A normal day in The Krusty Dominoes.

* * *

Pearl was going back down the alley for the last of the empty pizza boxes. In the same warehouse Epstein was assassinated, the Dominoes supplies were dropped off. Probably why his ghost chose to haunt the joint. When Pearl wasn't delivering pizzas around Elwood, they were transporting supplies to The Krusty Dominoes. Taking out her key one more time, she entered and picked up a stack of folded cardboard.

The lights went off, the only sound being what seemed to be Pearls breathing, which became heavier. then they heard a much louder noise. A scratching coming from above. She tried to run out of the warehouse, but Pearl could see almost nothing save for some white liquid from the ceiling. White liquid coming from the ceiling? She looked up at it and the creature looked back, foaming from the mouth, buck teeth gritted. The midget man in a jumpsuit let out a maniacal high pitched chuckle, reminiscent of a 6th grader entering sex education class. The bunny-eared man phased into the ceiling. Pearl was in a panic now, running all over hoping to find the way out, then the creature reappeared right behind her.

The midget was mounted on what looked like a large red jackhammer, with the words "PIZZA CRUSHER '' engraved on the front. Pearl didn't even have the chance to blink, The Noid was already on top of her, the Pizza Crusher turned on and stamping her into the ground like pizza dough. Her screams were muffled by the sounds of bones crunching, and Noids vicious cackling. Pearl was not the last.

* * *

**This is the pilot for probably the greatest story on this stupid website only beaten by the Sonic High trilogy. I doubt anyone will find this because of the weird category system, but if you got this far, remember to leave comments. I take constructive criticism I'm not a pussy. This is being co-written by a friend, so if the writing style changes and bumps around a bit, it's because we're probably splitting some work. This projects only for fun but if it somehow gets anywhere I'll straighten things out. I doubt I finish the Annoying Orange erotica, and even though I had a planned ending, I felt no motivation to finish this (probably because it's just a really long fucking sex scene). Also this fanfic will be rated T, not M, though I may do a rated M spinoff with the Epstein ghost. Hope you enjoyed this acid trip cause it's only getting worse. **


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